Pyramid scheme.

Cairo, Egypt.

Today was my last full day in Egypt, so I set off to the pyramids.

You all know that they are great, so I’m not going to bother to tell you how great they are, except to say that they are great.

What is less known about the pyramids of Giza is that they sit smack bang in the middle of a Cairo suburb.

There is a metro station there. The romance of visiting the pyramids is kind of lost when you jump on a 7am train, packed with office workers, to get there.

When you do get there the fist thing you notice, except for how huge the things are, is how much damage the revolution in Egypt has done to the local tourism industry.

As I was leaving the site I estimated that 20% of the people there were touts. And they were fierce, you couldn’t turn around with out having a little sphinx or plaster pyramid shoved in you face.

The poor bastards were desperate.

My tour guide wasn’t too worried though; this probably has something to do with the amount of hash he smokes. At one stop of our tour, he rolled a joint the size of my index finger. It couldn’t have been much later than 10 in the morning.

On my way home that afternoon a young guy approached me in the street and asked me if “Tahrir Square was good or bad?” He was talking about the revolution. I told him that I thought it was good, but it had scared off all the tourists.

He wanted to know when the tourists would come back. I told him I had no Idea.

Anyway the pyramids are fantastic, everyone should come and see them.

Yep, they look just like they do on TV. 

Totally amazing.

Tourists pose, holding the sphinx's head.

Tourists; ready for anything.

Indiana Jones and the Sleazy Tour Guide.

Wadi Masua, Jordan

Day 8

At 5:30am it was time for my last cold shower in Amman. I couldn’t face it so I just splashed my face and brushed my teeth. I didn’t care if I stunk out the three hour bus to Wadi Musa.

Wadi Musa is a small village that is perched next to ruins of Petra.

I’m ashamed to admit it but until reading my Lonely Planet I had just assumed that Petra was a figment of George Lucas’s imagination, like Jar-Jar Binks, only majestic and wonderful.

I had seen it many times as a kid watching Harrison Ford and Sean Connery arrive at Petra to find the Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

I had no idea it existed, I had no idea it was in Jordan and I had no Idea it was called Petra.

Anyway, it exists and it’s amazing.

Carved out of huge sandstone mountains and valleys, this ancient city was once, as my tour guide described it as, the Hong Kong or Singapore of it’s day. It was a trading hub for spices coming from India, but when the route changed, the city was neglected and more or less abandoned, except for nomadic tribes of Bedouins who lived in the various small hollowed out caves.

Our tour guide, a local dude who had studied politics at university, rattled off stats and tales about the city with a decidedly bored manner. Every now and again I’d see his eyes track something behind us.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out what he was looking at. He was checking out every female tourist who walked passed. I had to marvel at his consistency. This guy didn’t miss a thing.

After our tour I was free to wander the old city. I’d met an American guy called Matt on the bus, and we climbed to a peak to watch the sun set over the desert.

Petra is awesome. In the literal sense of the word.

The treasury building, as discovered by Indiana Jones.

The monastery building, unfortunately featured in one of the Transformers films

These poor dudes are all over the place trying to sell you stuff, they are pretty relaxed about it though.

The treasury appears after waling through a narrow canyon called a "siq".

The monastery at dusk.

Amman for all seasons.

Amman, Jordan

Day 6

Alternative titles: 

Amman with a van.

Amman about town.

I'm off to see Amman about a dog.

It's Amman's world.

Amman's best friend.

Amman is not an island.

Amman is not a camel.

Amman cannot live on bread alone.

What Amman, what Amman, what a mighty, mighty good Amman.

 Cab drivers are fantastically consistent the world over. The dude who took me from my hotel to the Abu Dhabi airport fit the mould perfectly. At 120km/h he was texting and listening to what I presume was Arabic talk back radio.

My three hour flight to Amman, the capital city of Jordan was pretty uneventful. I was sitting next to an understated dude called Zack, a Palestinian who was returning home from Abu Dhabi for some dental work and a holiday before heading back to his job as an Ambulance dispatcher for a private medical service in the UAE.

He was kind enough to give me some helpful words in Arabic.

As we landed I was furiously reading the lonely planet to get my head around the city and plan my next step.

Amman is cold. The forecast said the top was going to be 10 degrees when I landed, and there had been snow a few days prior. You could still see brown clumps of it on the side of the road as the airport shuttle bus grinded its way into town.

I was soon checked into my little hotel. It’s a modest place; the only real short falling is that the hot water is pretty much non-existent.  I couldn’t face immersing self in the shower this morning so I stood in the recess splashing handfuls of icy water over my body. Bracing.

Last night I walked around downtown Amman. It couldn’t be more different from Abu Dhabi. It’s noisy, crowded, there are people actually walking around and I have yet to see a single Porche or even a Ferrari.

It’s great to be in a city that’s got soul. That doesn’t feel like a movie set. Although I do miss the hot water…

Basan who runs a shawarma stall in the Downtown area cooked me up a tasty dinner. 

The old part of the city where I'm staying is dotted with ruins that date back to Roman times.

The hidden perks of traveling with your mother.

Dubai, UAE

Day Five

On our last full day in the UAE, Mary and I schlepped it on down to Dubai. Like Abu Dhabi, Dubai is a playground for the rich, only on a much larger scale.

Because we feel a strong connection to the common man, Mary and I decided that we should take the bus, instead of a hiring a cab for the two-hour trip east.

Little did we know that this would be probably the most interesting part of the day.

Due to the UAE’s religious and cultural practices women and men don’t really mix, unless they are related. This means that there are two queues for most things; a men’s queue and a women and children’s queue.

The women’s queue is almost always shorter.

So after purchasing our 15 AED tickets (the taxi would have cost us around 200) we slipped past the 100 odd man queue and tacked our selves on to the 20 deep women’s queue.

Naturally I was permitted to come along too, although I did see two dudes kicked off the end of the women’s line by a station official. They had forgotten to bring their mother with them.

After a comfortable bus ride across the desert we arrived in Dubai. 

First stop the Burj Khalifa. This is the world’s tallest building, so the first thing you notice about it is how tall it is. I can’t remember exactly how tall, but it’s pretty damn tall. In fact I can’t say I’ve never seen a taller building, because there isn’t one.

So we had lunch in the shadow of the Khalifa, marveled at it’s tallness, watched a ridiculous but spectacular water fountain display set to opera music and then moved on.

The rest of the day was a bit of a bust. I’d stupidly left the guidebook in Abu Dhabi and we’d forgotten to arrange tickets to the top and it was booked solid for the next two days.

So we spent the rest of the day ambling around the city. And then took the bus home (Again playing the gender card to get us on a bus sooner. Thanks Mary).

Anyway I didn’t shoot much so here are a couple of shots of the Burj Khalifa.

In the words of Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, "Pretty long, eh?"

The dark lines in the water are the pipes which make up the fountain.  It was pretty impressive, but quite ridiculous.

Camels. In the desert.

Abu Dhabi, UAE 

Day 4.

After faffing around on the internet for bloody ages trying to find out which desert safari was the best I decided to stuff it and just ask the dudes at our hotel to sort it.

Sort it they did. At around three in the afternoon a lovely young Yemeni dude called Mohammed driving a huge Toyota Landcuriser picked up Mary and me at our hotel. 

The poor bugger was struggling to contact another pair of travelers who where set to join us on our adventure, so he handed his mobile to me to negotiate our rendezvous.

With the pair of affable Canadians and my mum in the back seat I was up front with Mohammed, asking him dorky questions about his family. (A wife and four kids, not bad for a dude who couldn’t be much older than me).

It wasn’t too long until the highway stretched in front of us with only sand and small shrubs to the left and right.

Now it was time for some dune bashing. Peeling off from the highway we met up with a convoy of some 20 other tourist laden four-wheel drives. 

Mohammed took us screaming up and down 20m high dunes, taking especial pleasure in driving along the crest of extremely steep dunes, and waggling the steering wheel, threatening to spill us over the sides.

The rest of the safari involved a visit to a camel farm, a chance to run up and down the dunes, more dune bashing and finally dinner and shisha smoking at a “traditional Bedouin village”.

It was a pretty great day. Lots of fun. 

Once you frame out all the other tourists, you can make it seem like you're the only dude there with a camera.

Camels. They are pretty great.

I can't stress enough how fun this was.

Tourists love the hell out of the desert.

Mary in the desert.

I swear to god that I did not plant this pack of camels. In the desert. This was probably the best thing I saw all day.

Shoes were a bad choice.

Mohammed, probably the best driver in the UAE.

A "traditional" Australian beer, in a "traditional" bedouin camp.There are at least two thing wrong with this image.

If smoking cigarettes was like smoking shisha. Everyone would smoke all the time.

Sheik Zayed Grand Mosque

Abu Dhabi, UAE

Day 3

After a day of faffing about it was time to see the sights. So Mary and I jumped in a cab and sped off to the Sheik Zayed Grand Mosque.

This amazing marble monolith is pretty great. It's the 8th largest in the world and can accomodate 40,000 worshipers. Unfortunately tourists aren't allowed to come and gawk at prayer time, but we are allowed to come and gawk between prayers.

Still, the mosque is quite impressive sans worshipers.

Surrounded by four huge minarets and topped with huge marble domes, the mosque, while kind of gaudy (check out the chandelier below), is  pretty awe inspiring.

I was able to walk around in my shirt and jeans, Mary, however had to cover up in a supplied headscarf and robe.

I couldn't help but think of the palace from Aladin as we drove up in our cab.

This is the men's prayer hall. The persian rug that covers the floor was apparently hand woven by over 1000 women in Iran.

This is a far cry from the last mosque I visited in Doncaster. 

An idiots guide to smoking shisha. With your mum.

Abu Dhabi, UAE
Day 2

Well my mum joined me in the UAE this morning and we checked into the Oryx hotel in down town Abu Dhabi.

After basically faffing around all day (visiting the Marina Mall, drinking beer in cheesy hotel bars) we ended up at the roof top bar of the Mecure Hotel smoking shisha.

A stout gentleman set us up with two of the fantastic pipes; mine with watermelon flavored tobacco and Mary with double apple. I don’t know what the difference between apple and double apple is, probably doubly carcinogenic.

Despite being amazingly bad for you, smoking a shisha is very relaxing and the flavored tobacco is pretty damned delicious.

Here's a tip: It makes you feel extra "Middle Eastie" if you drink thick Turkish coffee or mint tea while you smoke your shisha. 

A hazy start to day two.

The sun sets on a day of faffing around.

Coals burn in the top of my shisha pipe.

Mary with her apple flavoured shisha.

We immediately lost all our local shisha smoking cred' after opening a map on the street outside the hotel.